Today’s speech by Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association, about the school shootings in Newtown, Connecticut, proved to be so unintentionally satirical that for a moment I thought I was watching a skit on Saturday Night Live. LaPierre started by blaming politicians and the media for the problem, then came up with a solution – armed guards in every school in America. ThemedReality was able to obtain an earlier draft of the speech that contained other suggestions which, for one reason or another, were nixed by the NRA. I share those with you here:
- Send all schizophrenics to Alaska. Turn the state into one giant gulag for those with this mental illness, preventing suspected schizophrenics like Jared Lee Loughner and James Holmes from committing atrocities like they did at the “Congress on Your Corner” session in Tucson, AZ and the Batman screening in Aurora, Colorado. If they escape, they’ll be Canada’s problem.
- All depressed looking individuals in public spaces are to be jailed. Some study somewhere shows that depressed people commit public shootings. Look depressed in a public space and you’ll be jailed for the day. No smile at the gates to the Magic Kingdom, then “It’s a Small Cell After All” for the duration of your visit.
- Instill herds of deer on every public school campus. When armed gunmen visit schools, they want to shoot something. Hunting animals reduces the desire to hunt people. Some study somewhere shows this.
- Mandatory home schooling for everyone. With no schools, there will be no school shootings. Problem solved.
- Work with the media instead of blaming them, lobby Congress to enact stronger gun controls that still protect the Second Amendment rights of responsible Americans, and establish a stronger, more meaningful, and more comprehensive mental health program in this country.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 12/21/12 ON THEMEDREALITY.COM